Hi, I'm Stephanie, and I am a rebel. I've been in denial for roughly 5 years now. I suppose I figured I had grown out of it or something, as if rebellion was some sort of sweater that shrinks over time. The fact is, when I realized I had a problem 6 years ago, I started praying that God would transform my heart, that this "sweater" would some how shrink to nothingness. I figured it had. For 5 years, I thought I was in the clear, transformed, healed of this disease.
Then, one day, not too long ago, it hit me like a 2 by 4 to the head...I still have issues. Who knew? (My husband said he did, but that's beside the point.) See, here's how this revelation came to me: I remembered laying there on the hospital bed, highly medicated and feeling good after hernia repair surgery. "No cleaning, lifting, or exercising for 4 weeks...", hold up, rewind....did a doctor, a man with a PH.D. just say "no cleaning", and in front of my husband? Whoa. I know I hardly clean anyway, but now I had permission...from a doctor! And my husband heard!!!!! Thank you, Jesus!
Then, something very odd happened. I got home and felt this strange urge to clean. I thought it was the medication so, I didn't think much of it at first. Then, after day 3 of organizing and such, it really began to disturb me. I mean, what was my problem? My mother, who is a typical Puerto Rican Madre, has always been on me to "pick-up", even stating that she couldn't come into my house because it was "too stressful" for her. My husband, who never says anything negative about my housekeeping, bless his heart, would fall into depression over my untidiness! Now that no one was nagging, or falling into some depressive mental state; now that a doctor essentially prescribed laziness, I wanted to clean? Something was wrong, I was sure of it. I grabbed my Bible.
I opened to where I had left off just that morning: 1 Samuel 13:1. Two chapters later, I realized the "sweater" had never been dumped, it had just faded. In fact, the yarn that had made up the rebel within me was something completely unexpected. My rebelliousness was only a symptom of a bigger culprit: Pride. (Another thing my husband already knew, but again, that's beside the point.)
Allow me to give you a brief synopsis of 1 Samuel 13:1 - 15:35. In "Stephanie's Paraphrase", Saul was this guy appointed to be king over God's people. He was tall and good-looking (as a good king should be, right?), won quite a few battles once in the position, and had a mentor of sorts, Samuel. Now, Samuel and God were pretty tight...they talked often. So, it was no surprise that Samuel knew when Saul decided to not wait on Samuel for instructions, as he had earlier been directed to do, "feeling compelled" to offer up a sacrifice to the Lord instead. He also knew when Saul went to battle and spared King Agag and the enemy's cattle and sheep (all against God's instruction).
What does this have to do with Pride and Rebellion? Watch as each piece is woven together:
13:11, "When I saw that you did not come within the days appointed..." Blaming.
13:12, "I felt compelled..." I just felt compelled to feel compelled to mention this. As a woman, I feel compelled a lot. "Feeling" can be dangerous without direction or logic.
15:11, "...he has turned back from following me..." Rebellion.
15:13, "Blessed are you of the Lord! I have performed the commandment of the Lord." Pride.
15:14, "What then is this bleating of sheep..." Samuel calls him out.
15:15, "They have brought them...the people spared the sheep...the rest we have utterly destroyed." Blaming. Notice, though, he added himself to the part he had been ordered to do in the first place.
15:16, Samuel shuts him up...almost, "Be quiet!" "Speak on." What? Seriously? Need I say, pride has blinded this fool?
15:17, "When you were little in your own eyes, were you not head of the tribes of Israel? Did not the Lord anoint you King of Israel?....Why then did you not obey the voice of the Lord?" Ouch.
In humility, we are blessed. In humility, we are used by the Master. In humility, we are able to obey.
After a bunch of "buts", Saul reduces himself to one. "But I have obeyed..." almost. "But the people..." the people who follow the king's lead. Samuel rebuttals, "Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed than the fat of rams. For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, He also has rejected you from being king."
God has a plan. He wants to use me, to use you. He doesn't need us. He wants us. As humans, we don't understand this kind of acceptance in a world that looks at degrees, good looks, and big houses to distinguish between "great people" and the not-so-great. But, none the less, it's a fact. The Creator of all creation wants us. Did He need Noah to build an ark? No. But He wanted Noah to know Him. Did he need Saul to be king? No, He is The King. "For His Name's sake, He will lead us and guide us." Psalm 31:3. He has a heart for His people. It's part of His plan to be Who He Is, to Love so we can know Love, and to use us to fulfill His purpose. Part of that purpose, the main goal of this purpose, is to know Him. To know who He is not, and who He is. To know His voice, His whisper.
How long have I gone hearing God's whispers to begin something that's part of His plan? How long have I thought, "But who would listen to me, God?" Just as Saul, I have cared too much of others, "for I have transgressed the commandment of the Lord...because I feared the people and obeyed their voice." 1 Samuel 15:24.
Blaming, I did that. That revelation of "Oh, crud, I think I'm cleaning because nobody's telling me to clean!" was followed with unwarranted anger, "If my mother wouldn't nag me, I'd clean more. If my husband wouldn't expect so much of me, I would be a better housewife." I've sacrificed my time for God, serving others, serving the church, instead of obeying what he's told me to do in the first place. What good, then, is my "sacrifice"? I cannot sanctify myself, I can't take off the sweaters that keep me bound. Only God can do that. It begins with my obedience, my surrender to His plans, my humility as I await to be laid bare as He unravels the sin that entangles me.
That's why I'm here, blogging. It may sound silly, but I've rebelled doing this. I've rebelled writing, rebelled social networking, rebelled technology. Why? Out of fear of rejection. Pride. There it is. Disgusting, isn't it? I owe God everything I have and am. He's changed me, transformed me, made me new. And He still has a lifetime of work to do in me. But as He does, I want to be used by Him. I want His Light to shine on my heart and in my life. I owe Him that much for loving me, for saving me.
So here I go, my Beautiful Journey typed out and raw. Hopefully, for His Name's Sake, His Beauty can shine between the lines. Cheers!
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